Snarky comments I'm saving for my last day...

Stupid Customer (drive-thru): I need a minute (and they proceed to take two or three)
Me: $2.89, drive thru please, thank you.
or I don't have a minute. Order now, bitch.
or Come inside if you don't know what you want.
or Put the damn cell phone down and order, already. You're not the center of the universe.

SC: I want one of everything
Me: You and every other lame-ass fool in the damn world.

SC who's been in line for several minutes already: I don't know what I want...
Me: Next!

SC: What kind of Blizzards do you have?
Me: All the kinds that are listed on the menu board right underneath where it says BLIZZARDS and has a big picture of the Blizzard of the month.

SC: Do y'all sell hamburgers here?
Me: Do you see them on the menu, dumbass?

SC: What comes with the value meal?
Me: Normally they come with fries and a drink. For you, I'll throw in a side of common sense for free.

SC: How many footlongs come with the value meal?
Me: How many do you see in the picture?

SC: What's in the Blizzard of the Month?
Me: The same ingredients that are listed right on the picture. Imagine that! We didn't change the recipe!

SC: I want a Blizzard.
Me: (long pause.) Okay, small Oreo it is. $3.00.

SC: I want a Brownie Earthquake with Oreos on it. Make sure you put Oreos on it, okay?
Me: Well, okay. But only because you asked so nicely (as I quietly charge them for extra Oreos, even though it comes with them).

SC: Nuts don't come up there?
Me: Sure don't, genius. Sucks to be you.

SC: I want a sundae.
Me: What size and what flavor?
SC: Chocolate.
Me: What size?
SC: What sizes do you have?
Me: Small, medium and large. That's why there's three different prices listed.
SC: I want a small. No, make it a medium.
Me: $2.44.
SC (at window): But I just wanted a chocolate sundae.
Me: This is a chocolate sundae.
SC: I wanted chocolate ice cream in a cup.
Me: No topping?
SC: No (looks at me like I'm retarded).
Me: Guess what--that's called a MEDIUM CUP OF CHOCOLATE, dumbass! Sundaes have toppings on them. And I'm not giving you your 44 cents back. I'll ring you up for a cup of chocolate ice cream and keep the difference to make up for having to deal with dimwits like you.

Me: Large Reese's. That'll be $4.23.
SC: (Takes top off Blizzard. Takes a bite, thus ensuring that we cannot sell it to someone else) But I wanted chocolate ice cream!
Me: Did you ask for chocolate ice cream when you ordered?
SC: No.
Me: Then I guess you'll have to buy another large Reese's, huh? Sucks for you. (slams window shut)

SC: Do you have orange sherbert/butter pecan ice cream/chili cheese fries/coffee/hot chocolate/salads?
Me: No, but we do have a special on clues today. You should get one!

That really takes the cake

I have not one, but two cake stories involving stupid customers today.

The first one was a customer who pulled up in drive-thru, where, God only knows why, we have a poster for Blizzard cakes. And then the guy asks, "The Blizzard cakes...is that ice cream?"

Yes, dumbass. They're ice cream. Just like all of our other cakes. We are, after all, famous for our ice cream. The place is called Dairy Queen for a reason. If you've ever been to one, you know that Blizzards are ice cream. So it makes sense, does it not, that something called a Blizzard cake, from a place that primarily sells ice cream, would be made of ice cream? Possibly even with a Blizzard in it?! OH MY GOD! NO WAY!

Idiot.

The second story is even funnier: this couple comes through drive-thru. They don't stop at the speaker, just pull around. And when they get to the window, they hold out this ice cream cake in a box, and say that they're not satisfied with it and they want their money back. Even aside from the fact that only a complete moron would try to hand you an ice cream cake (which you have to purchase inside) through the drive-thru, it was not a Dairy Queen cake! Yes! It's true! These people, who somehow managed to survive on this earth for at least forty or fifty years, judging from their haggard (not to mention slovenly) appearance, brought us a cake that was definitely not purchased at Dairy Queen. ANY Dairy Queen. For one thing, we don't sell cakes that small. Also, the box clearly said "Uncle Harry's...since 1897." As far as I know, there is no Uncle Harry associated with Dairy Queen. And we don't use price stickers. Only a grocery store or someplace similar would have a price-tagging machine. And Dairy Queen is not nearly that old.

The lady insisted they had bought the cake at Dairy Queen. It took several reassurances both from me and the girl on drive-thru to make a dent in her certainty. Then she demanded to see one of our ice cream cakes, so I went to the freezer and took one out. I showed it to her (in its completely different box with the detachable piece of paperboard where the price goes, that very clearly says Dairy Queen, and NOT Uncle Harry's). That finally convinced her, and they drove off, while my coworker and I did our best to stifle our giggles until they were out of earshot.

DOs and DON'Ts for drive thru customers

DO:

Roll your window down before you pull up to the speaker...you might miss the greeting otherwise, since most franchises emphasise fast greeting time (usually 2-5 seconds).

Speak slowly and clearly, but not so slowly that you insult the intelligence of the person taking your order.

Know what you want before you pull up. If you don't know what you want, go inside. The restaurant is penalized for having a high drive-thru time, and the time starts as soon as you pull up to the speaker, even if you're just looking at the menu.

Use the correct name for whatever you order (they may not say anything to your face, but the employees will definitely make fun of anyone who orders a Big Mac at Burger King or a McFlurry at Dairy Queen).

Ask about ingredients before you order if you have allergies/are very picky.

Include size/flavor/drink/sides where applicable.

Say please and thank you and you're welcome, just like your mother taught you.

DON'T:

Call people on your cell phone to find out what they want while you're sitting at the speaker. The clock is ticking. Call them before you get to the restaurant, or while you're waiting in the line inside. Or...here's a novel idea... you could always let them get their own damn food.

Honk the instant you pull up to the speaker. There is always someone wearing a drive-thru headset whenever the restaurant is open. You will only succeed in pissing off the person wearing that headset by honking in their ear.

Yell "hello?!" at any point in the transaction. If you need a moment, feel free to say so, but when you know what you want, it's okay to just start ordering. Every employee in the store did not pick up and leave in the thirty seconds it took you to decide that you wanted a number five value meal.

Ask stupid questions, i.e. don't ask what comes in something that has the ingredients listed right on the menu board. Also...if only one price is listed for an item, that usually means it only comes in one size. Don't try to order a small or a large.

Try to change your order at the window. Adding a cup of ice water or a side of sour cream at the window is not a hugely big deal. But adding another burger or five orders of fries is not a good idea. Some restaurants won't even allow it. And those that do will still resent you for holding up the line. And please do NOT try to change things you've already ordered. They have almost definitely already started making it, and it's quite possible your entire order is already waiting for you.

Tell the person taking your order who everything is for, e.g. "I'll have a small Oreo Blizzard, and my mom wants a medium dipped cone, and my sister Betty wants a Brownie Earthquake, cause she's a greedy pig, and my third cousin twice removed on my mother's side wants..." Let me tell you a secret: nobody cares. They just want you to order and get the hell out of the drive thru.

Strike up a conversation with the person taking your money/giving you your food. A "How are you today?" "Fine, thanks, and you?" exchange is about all there's time for. The employees are not there to be your friends. They are there to take your money and give you your food as quickly as possible.

Ask for special treatment. Nobody who works at an individual restaurant is important enough to make decisions about things like giving you extra sauces or toppings for free or carrying the particular item that you liked that the company as a whole stopped selling several years ago. The manager may make an exception and give you something for free just to get you out of the drive thru and keep the line moving, but trust me: it's not because you're charming and likeable, or even because you're cute (most of the time). It's because you're a pain in the ass. Next time, try asking at the speaker and paying like everybody else. You'll be amazed how much nicer everybody is. Also, they're less likely to spit in your food

Swear or throw things at anybody. Even if they get your order wrong, or seem to be particularly dense. Just go online or call the main office/complaint line, and then there will be an official record, and you might get a gift certificate out of it, or even (gasp!) a form letter rubber-stamped with the C.E.O.'s signature!